Monday, 1 February 2016

The greatest privilege, the guilt, and the gift of time

Our beautiful pickle is now 10 months old! A year ago today, we celebrated a surprise baby shower in honor of 'bump' and today as I typed this, it struck me that next month, Elin turns 1! 1! How on earth did that happen?

There is absolutely nothing and no one that can prepare you for motherhood. Even with each day I am discovering more, learning endlessly, struggling and striving to be better. I'm not sure a time will ever come where I'l confidently say 'I got this', but I am getting it more times now than I'm not. 

Something I never could have realized was so powerful was the guilt. Mummy guilt is really bloody real. And its something I battle with the most. Am I doing enough? Am I balancing things well enough? Has Elin had the best day she could have had? In being a good mother, am I a less than perfect wife? I agonize over every decision for her, weighing up pros and cons until my head hurts. And even after sometimes weeks of thought and planning, things still go wrong. A lot of the time, our days are pretty ordinary. Even when I am less than patient and make wrong choices, or fall short, I hope she grows up knowing that I always tried my absolute best. That's all I can offer a lot of the time, its less than she deserves, but some days, its all I have. I need to believe that my best, is good enough. 

I am a (very) imperfect person, but I hope that I am the perfect mummy for her.

Everyone says that it will go too quickly. You listen, you nod, you do agree, but you can not truly understand just how fast time will slip away. Not until you become a parent. Days blur into weeks, into months and suddenly that tiny new, wrinkly, pink bundle is 1 next month. How, even? I don't remember when we stopped burping her for hours after every feed, I don't remember when she stopped doing that wonderful windy smile. Often we don't remember the last time something happens, because we just didn't know then, that it would be the last time. And for every last, is an incredible first. But before our eyes time has moved us on in the most lovely, bittersweet way. 

But at the same time, being a mum has, in many ways, given me the gift of time. I have time to sit and play and build towers. Too much time. We have time to walk and explore and learn about each other in a way no one else can. I have time to appreciate the little things in our lives. We have so much time ahead of us to make precious memories for each other, that I just can't stay sad about the months passing. 

Time is the strangest thing, and becoming a mummy has showed me that in the most surreal way.

Truth be told, being a mum is damn hard. but it is everything. I look at our creation and every day I feel blessed. I get to experience both motherhood and childhood all at once. I get to spend the greater part of my life being a mum to our sweet girl. And that, is the greatest privilege of all.

So happy 10 months my angel! They have been the hardest, the longest and the shortest ten months in my life, but I would not give back a single second of them.

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